The Scene
Juggled work and doctor referrals all day. Talked to HR and found out The Office offers 6 weeks of paid family leave if I were to ever need it. Good to know.


Had lunch with my mom. Poured through paperwork together. Did everything I could to keep from crying when she said, "Don't worry - this isn't going to kill me."


On the way home tonight, her words ran through my head. For the first time in my life, I faced the fact that at some point she will not be there. I may not lose her to this tumor but at some point I will lose her. Imagining her not in my life is unbearable. Causes me physical pain.

The realization crashed over me like a tidal wave and I started having trouble breathing. Was crying so uncontrollably that I could barely speak. Is that technically a panic attack?

Sable Crow and Mr. D eventually helped me calm down. They also made me realize that it's so overwhelming to think of losing her because she's all I have. She is my entire family.

Sure there are some wonderful people half a world away who share my blood. But I have met my extended family exactly four times. They love me but they don't know me.

So she's all I have that is completely mine. That's what makes all this even more difficult.


The Outfit
3.1 Phillip Lim dress

The Accessories
Tarina Tarantino Hello Kitty bracelet
Stuart Weitzman sandals
Chanel bag
Forever 21 rose earrings

The Grade
A



The Commentary

Decided to dress up today. Figured I am not doing my mom any favors by looking a mess. Plus looking put together helps me feel more positive. Did a comfortable maxi in my signature black and white with the Chanel purse and flat gladiators. Added the Hello Kitty to remind me to smile - even if it was a world-weary one at certain points in the day.

When she picked me up for lunch, my mom told me I looked "hermosa." What a weird choice of words. She never says that. Typically she says "linda." Felt like hermosa connotes a more adult beauty. It's like the difference between saying "pretty" and "attractive."

I added a flower for dinner to help me feel more festive, distract from my blood shot eyes. We had a longstanding date with St. JudE and The Brown Devil. My mom decided not to join us. She needs to get up early for her citizenship test/interview. The plans ended up falling through anyway - our friends had babysitter issues. Boo.

Mr. D and I watched the opening ceremonies at home instead. What a stunning spectacle. How something so beautiful could be loaded with such ominous overtones is amazing - like the children handing the soldiers the flag. Yikes.

But what a gift to have the Olympics to distract us. To be bombarded with tales of the human spirit triumphing, the human body excelling. To have the world come together despite all our differences. If only for a few weeks.

p.s. Here are some black and white looks I noticed this week:


My mom loves Penelope and I actually want to see the new Woody Allen movie she's in primarily to see the chemistry with Javier Badem. But this outfit is a bit of snoozer. A pop of color would have been nice in the shoe. Maybe more dramatic makeup



Loving this shape dress on Jessica Biel. The pilgrim-goes-couture shoes are not my thing though. Sorry, Roger Vivier.





Here's LC showing off one of her dresses. Think she wore this strapless maxi to an event a while back, no? Think they are carrying her line at Bloomie's now. Must check it out.


Lauren's dress is pretty similar to this print on Molly Simms. Like my Phillip Lim better though. Especially through the bodice and neckline.




This is like the bad version of my outfit today. F. Am quite concerned about how schlumpy Katie is looking lately. Thinking New York scrambles her brain. And why is her hair getting shorter and shorter?



Now this outfit is black and white perfection. From Victoria Secret model head to Christian Louboutin toe.

Decided to go into work today. Halfway there I was crying. Hysterically. In rush hour traffic.

I finally realized this isn't a dream. I'm not going to wake up. I can't go back. This is real. This is happening.

It hit me like a ton of bricks when I called my mom this morning and she didn't pick up. I panicked.

From now on instead of thinking she's just busy, I'll always wonder if she's OK. From now on whenever my phone rings, I'll hold my breath, fearing the worst.

I made it to work in one piece thanks to Sable Crow. So thankful for his friendship. In the darkest of moments, he is always a shining beacon of light for me.

My co-workers were as concerned as they could be. I haven't really made the effort with any of them. Haven't opened up at all over the last 3 months. I don't really want to connect with anyone there. Especially not about this.


A few hours into the morning I got a cheery email from my favorite writer. He wanted to plan another chi chi dinner with my mister lawyer and his Mr. Architect. They don't know, I thought.

Then a few moments later, I got a second email from Silver-haired Fox. Said he'd just read the blog and was so sorry to hear about my mom.

That email was followed up by one from Mr. Architect. He'd been thinking about me all day yesterday that's why he prompted his Silver-haired Fox to contact me and plan a double date.

He also said his mother has been living with the same type of tumor for 22 years!!! In fact, she is president of her local chapter of the American Brain Tumor Association. She even has a website dedicated to all the latest research on meningiomas!!!!

My jaw hit the floor. I have known Mr. Architect for over 10 years and had no idea. When he said he'd like to take me to lunch, I jumped at the chance.

Over lunch, we laughed like we always do when we get together. But this time, for the first time, we cried together. Mr. A has always been a fun times friend. He teaches me how to tilt my head and look skinny in pictures. We bond over new houses, fabulous friends and our annoyingly perfect boyfriends. We celebrate together. We don't ache together. Until today.

He told me about his mom's initial diagnosis when he was 8. Her emergency surgery in the mid-80s. Then the devastating recurrence of her tumor in 2000.

Told me how lucky he was to have spent the months before that second surgery with his mom in Europe. How since that surgery she's lost sight in one eye.

He told me that he doesn't tell many people this because no one wants to hear about how your mother has a tumor. But, he told me, that we will help each other through this. Wow.

What are the odds that we'd have this in common? And that this year, of all years, he and I would reach out to each other so much more than we have in the past?

Reconnecting and falling in friend love all over again. At Ben's birthday in Portland and his mister's birthday party and then Mr. D's 90s fiesta. I was so excited when I found out this new job was close to his office and we could have lunch. He was even one of the small circle friends who helped celebrate my first day.

I have been very palpably feeling something pulling me towards him. For months now. And I guess he has too. He couldn't stop thinking about me the first full day we were dealing with all of this. I guess he felt me tugging at him too. Amazing, no?

So many other things feel cosmically right in retrospect. The fact that I started this blog. Created an outlet, found my voice. That it's become a forum to feel support from friends - new and old.

What a blessing that I started writing about my mother more and more as the months have passed. That she has seen people respond so favorably to my writing and feels proud of what I am creating.

I am so thankful for all the photos I have of her now, on random days, in loving moments we've shared this year. Just recently, for a split second, I acknowledged, "Someday I will be so thankful to have all these photos of her." I guess someday is here.

And what about the fact that I randomly ran into Pop Tart Lover? It has made my mother so happy that we reunited.

And now I am realizing her support will be invaluable in the days ahead since she has been dealing with her mother's own serious illness. She was actually the first person I told about my mom's tumor.

What a gift all these people, all these twists and turns of fate. Something's looking out for us. That realization helped me tremendously throughout the day.

Over dinner, my mom asked me what kind of comments I've gotten. I told her about the outpouring of support and her eyes welled up.

But they didn't spill over. There's no crying allowed around her, she tells me over and over.

She also asked me to take her picture multiple times tonight. Show all of you that she is strong and staying positive and looking like herself.




I on the other hand looked like dog shit today. Didn't do my hair again. And cried off my makeup by 9 am.

Threw on jeans and flats and a flowery tank and Forever 21 jacket. And the new Me&Ro necklace to celebrate the feminine and ward off evil spirits dancing around in the form of fear.



These flowers her friend sent were stunning, no? Matched my tank top. When I left my mom's house, I wept in the car for half an hour. The flowers somehow made it even more real that there's something wrong. Isn't that ironic?

Diabolina Digs

Balenciaga bags that need homes.

I've been wanting one in yellow or green FOREVA.

Just saw this exact hobo in a gorgeous red at Great Labels with my mom. It's $800. Over 50 percent off!!!

We thought about it because it's exquisite but neither of us needs that color. But someone I love MUST get it. You will have it forever.


RUN RUN RUN!

The Scene
Got home from the ER at 4 a.m. Tossed and turned for 4 hours and then started facing it all.

The day was a blur. Working from home, fielding calls from friends, doing research online, going to the doctor, dealing with insurance paperwork, battling the encroaching fear.

Ended the day with an enormous dinner at Fat Fish. It was my mom's first time and she loved it. I had a strong cocktail so I loved it.

Crying makes her head ache so we didn't cry today. Instead we joked and laughed. At one point, I told her a friend suggested she wear red, white and blue to the citizenship interview on Saturday. She scoffed at the idea with "Ni que fuera Uncle Sam." HAHAHAHH!

No matter what the circumstances, we are fucking hilarious. It's in the blood. It's how all our family in Guatemala is. It's how we all cope. After all, sometimes you just have to laugh or else you'll never stop crying.

Things felt normal today. Both of us knew they weren't but we're the queens of putting on a brave face for each other. It's what helped us get through my dad's death 15 years ago. It's our dynamic.

But there were moments both of us would get lost in thought. And get that haunted, faraway look. When you think thoughts of "what if" and "if only."

But we can only take things one day at a time. All of us. Whether we're dealing with a brain tumor or a job we hate or a relationship that's not working. Being present is the only way to truly live our lives.

The Outfit
Marc by Marc Jacobs top
Forever 21 sweater
J Brand jeans

The Accessories
Marc Jacobs Irina tote
Stuart Weitzman sandals

The Grade
A

The Commentary
B to the usted grooming today. Hair was a rats nest. No makeup.

But the outfit was right on. Cozy sweater to deal with the meat locker that is every doctor's office. Big bag to carry water and paperwork and magazines. Flats and jeans to be comfortable. Gucci sunglasses to hide the sadness.

My mom wore a similar outfit. Jeans and a sweater and a big tote and gold shoes and Chanel sunnies. Loves it.

The most relaxing part of my day was vegging out on the couch and watching Project Runway with Mr. D. But I felt sooo guilty doing it. Felt guilty thinking about fashion and frivolity and lightness.

Realizing guilt is going to play an even bigger part in my life now. Ugh. Can't Catholicism ever cut you a break? F.

Going to try to manage it. Going to try to take care of myself. Have to stay balanced. For my mom and myself and Mr. D.

So back to tonight's episode of PR: Once again I agree wholeheartedly with the lovely Tam about this episode. Also think many of the patriotic looks would spell purrrfection for my mom's important date with immigration this weekend, no?

And here's one more little nugget. Remember when Tim pointed to a picture in the museum of a blonde Olympian doing the high jump in a fur bikini? And then he proclaimed "This is fashion!"

Well that is Amy Acuff. She was a close friend of Danny B's in college!!! She was pre-med. And a world class high jumper. And a model. And cool and articulate and funny. She is pretty much perfect.

And now that she has the distinction of Tim Gunn's approval, I think I might officially die of jealousy.

I got to know Amy well when Danny B and Mr. D lived together after undergrad. I even ended up doing a documentary about her for my graduate school thesis. I interviewed her and everyone close to her for weeks. It was an amazing opportunity to understand what it takes to compete athletically at the most elite levels.

It was a gift to cross paths with her. Especially since I am such a sloth. And so in my head.

I don't always appreciate how important it is to be physical. Caring for your body is clearly such a critical part of your mental well being. It's all so mysteriously but undeniably interrelated - the mind and body. Must remember that in the days ahead given my mom's condition.

Also hearted Amy because she was all about pushing the fashion envelope. Her outfits were always the talk of the town at important meets. She wanted to be different and stand out and shake things up. She wanted to show that a woman can excel and still care about how she looks. That she can be a fierce competitor and still look feminine. She also believed winning was as important as laughing, not taking life too seriously, having a sense of humor.

For example, this is what she donned for Mr. D's surprise 25th birthday party.

Think Tim would have had said "Holla at your girls" to that outfit fo sho ;)

Diabolina Does Deep Thoughts

This is the first thing I wrote a few years ago after a decade-long hiatus from writing. Very appropriate given all the questions swirling around in my head and the outpouring of support from all of you.

When nothing makes sense, we should all cling to the knowledge that paths cross for a reason, that there IS method to all the madness :)

***

I am trying to understand life. And by trying I mean failing. Miserably.

I want to understand my existence and my purpose. The nature of my soul and my destiny. Why I am here and where I am going.

You know the usual ;)

Am I encouraged by those who seem to have figured out the puzzle? By the poets and the philosophers; the physicists and the saints. Those who seem to think they've arrived at some sort of answer. Some sort of insight.

Should I find inspiration in these individuals? Hope that it is possible to arrive at the end of my journey and find what I am seeking?

Perhaps in a way. But no, actually, not really. I mean who can truly grasp the nature of it all? Of human existence. Life in all its complexities and permutations. I doubt anyone can. I doubt it is even possible.

But yet here I am. Trying. And failing. Miserably.

I try because I have to. Not particularly because I want to. There is something inside me that reaches for this understanding. Something that's loud and getting louder.

And yet understanding – true understanding – eludes me. At every step.

I just seem to come up with more and more questions. With every moment and every wrinkle, comes a new question. I just want to understand so much.

Why do some of us bleed while others feast?
Why is there such textured beauty in pain, such haunting emptiness in joy?

Why those that are handed opportunity squander it.
Why those who work tirelessly still struggle.

Why I feel so much and others so little.

I wonder why we are destined to repeat the past.
Over and over and over.

Why does faith divide and hatred unite?

How can I feel so blessed and yet so broken?
Why do gifts feel like curses?

How can a stranger feel like my family?

I don't know. I simply don't know the answers.

Oh, on occasion I'll pretend. I'll pretend I have cracked some part of the code and I will hand a friend in need this faux wisdom. I hand it over with conviction and love and so they buy it. Because what's the alternative? It gives them solace and so it feeds me.

I don't know anything.

Well, except for one thing. I do know that we were meant to meet here. In this moment. As your eyes linger over the words I have poured out of my being.

We were destined to share this moment. No matter if these words bore you or fill you. We were supposed to cross paths.

And that may be part of my puzzle. You and I in this moment – that's what might make all the questions bearable.

Have been debating how to share something that happened today. Some sad news. With a silver lining. Something that has undoubtedly already begun to change me...forever.

Discussed it with my mom and Mr. Diabolina and finally just decided to do what I've been doing for the last 8 months: speak my truth, come what may. I realized that this blog has become such an outlet for me - creatively and emotionally. It's how I process and record the precious moments of my life. It is how I am fearless; unapologetic about who I am and what I think. It is a gift.

Plus, as a lovely side effect, its become the venue for so much support and validation. It has become a community and a dialogue. About fashion and life and being women and everything in between.

So I thank you in advance for how your words will help me get through the days and challenges ahead...

Here goes:

Today we found out my mom has a brain tumor. It is not cancer - thank goodness. And it is not bleeding which is what the doctors were fearing most of the day.

It is a 3 cm meningioma at the base of her cerebellum. Benign but likely growing and causing the pressure contributing to the headaches she's been having. It may be inoperable due to its location.

The neurologist opted not to admit her after keeping her under observation for about 8 hours. Her pain eventually responded to medication and the vomitting was localized to Friday. Apparently a very good thing.

We are getting referrals tomorrow. Want to get more information from a specialist about treatment options. The ER people just recommended a wait and see approach. Ugh. Have I mentioned our health care system makes me ill.

Please keep her in your thoughts. She was feeling better this evening. Seems like the pain is one day on, one day off.

I am a wreck inside but trying to keep it together for her. Have gone into problem solving mode. Staying positive until there is something to really worry about. This is life and you either deal with it or you lay down and die. The latter is not an option.

Mr. D has been an angel, per usual. Thank you to Sable Crow and Pop Tart Lover and Jean Bean and Juana and Peaches and Charmy and The Peeper and her husband for all the love. We are lucky to have the support system we do.

Kiss,
D

p.s. This is what I was wearing this morning. Funny no? How girly and fancy-free I looked when I found out my life had just changed. Forever.

The first thing my mom said when she saw me was that she loved the skirt.

I love her.

The Scene
I felt better today. Not great but less overwhelmed. Tried to just take one thing at a time. Not get ahead of myself. A little perspective can go a long way.

In the evening dropped by to check in on my mom. She was feeling fine after having intermittent pain yesterday. Found her in bed, reading these two pretty disparate publications. HA!


Don't think I've mentioned but she's going through the process of becoming a citizen. After nearly 32 years in the US. She is currently what they call a permanent resident alien.

All this time, she's resisted giving up her Guatemalan citizenship. My grandmother on the other hand became a citizen about 15 years ago. Couldn't pledge allegiance fast enough.

But my mom I think harbored dreams of going back at some point. All that ended though last year. A death in the family helped her really come to terms with how bad the situation has gotten in her homeland - the poverty, rampant corruption, worsening violence. I watched her gut-wrenching decision to sell the beautiful home she'd grown up in.

And that was it. Her way of cutting off the possibility of returning. Then a few months later she told me she had applied to become a citizen.

She has been going to "citizenship school" on Saturday mornings. Has become quite the teacher's pet. Ugh, the stories I could tell you about her busy body student ways :)

So today she asked me to quiz her. On what are essentially 100 American history questions she has to know to become a citizen. She knew all the answers perfectly - the 13 colonies, the branches of government, the presidents, the exact address of the White House. Very impressive. Some of that stuff was a little fuzzy even for me.

Her appointment is this Saturday. Think good thoughts. We've already picked out her outfit and a spare ;)



The Outfit
Proenza Schouler for Target top
Madewell jeans

The Accessories
Chanel earrings and purse
Manolo Blahnik heels

The Grade
B-


The Commentary
Got this email from shopbop this morning. Was inspired by all the black and white. They are my signature colors after all.

Dig the idea of mixing mensweary pieces with feminine, flouncy ones. Like the balance it creates in the overall effect. Very sexy.

And am really starting to love the idea of all things lace and chain mail. Both are gonna be big for fall. Oof those Lamb shoes all the way to the right! So hot. My mom pointed them out in a magazine yesterday. What a little eye she has.

Donned the Go International top and jeans this morning. Not a big fan of button downs on my chunky trunky body but I bought this one because of the adorable piping. Very cartoony cuteness. Makes me feel like Lois Lane :)

Think the effect was easy. Simple but classic. Mostly blah. Would have been less blah with some pops of red. Maybe the red stiletto sandals and a bright purse next time...