The good news: Jean Bean is in GQ. See her in the fuchsia and houndstooth? YAY!
The bad news: she thinks she looks bloated. Boooo!
Like a total rookie, her size 2 ass neglected to follow Mr. Architect's fundamental "How to Look Skinny In Pictures" rules. F.
So I figured I'd bring in the master to share his tips for size 2's and 22's alike. Edumacate us once and for all about working what your mama gave ya in photos. This man - who works with angles and visuals all day long professionally, after all - has got looking good in pictures down to a science. And if blogging has taught me one thing, it's that what you look like in real life isn't as important as what ends up in photos. Fact: Celluloid is what lasts.
Just ask Paris ;)
First of all, ladies, you NEVER want to be on the end of a picture. EVER! But if you are on the end, it is NOT your job to lean in. If you do, you'll look twice as wide as the people in the middle AND
desperate. Not a good combination.
If the photographer can't fit you in the picture then move to the middle, or squish everyone else. Look, it's every vain bitch for herself! Just DO NOT lean in! It'll always end up being a wiiiiide side shot of your whole
body and then empty un-cropped space on your other side begging the question why are you the one leaning in and being all needy.
So, now let's say, through diabolical maneuvering or dumb luck, you end up in the middle of the picture, and standing next to someone either much skinnier or much taller then you. Here's what you want to do: move your face/body back ever so slightly
so that - voila! - everyone else appears a little bigger by virtue of being closer to the camera. But be VERY careful not to create a double chin
when pulling backwards. This is critical. Diabolina has shared my signature trick with you in the past and you can see the GENIUS optical illusion it creates here
Another thing: everyone should know his/her best angle. I mean even supermodels do and most of us will never look half as good as a supermodel's worst angle! If you do not already know your angles, try tipping your head slightly down, again avoiding a double chin, but creating a shadow along the lower jaw line and therefore chiseled thin face. Eyes up and wide open looking directly into the camera. And I always giggle a little to get a natural smile!
The only downside to my advice is that every picture I have of myself looks exactly the same. But hey I look good-ish.
Hope you enjoyed this drivel - now go out there and make me proud!
and I bow down.
Here is the man, the myth, in action at recent events like Daisy Duke's birthday at Malibu Family Vineyards
and the annual Trevor Project
Two very important final tips Mr. Architect failed to mention that every (real or imagined) celebrity knows: a) always retain veto power of any picture taken of you and b) post-production (i.e. creative cropping, blemish removal, color enhancements) is your best friend.
He is so strict about both of these rules that I have been warned not to publish HILARIOUS pictures from Monday night - involving Darth Vader, Snoop Dogg and riot police - until he is allowed to review the pictures and clean up some "issues."
I say whatevs though. Mr. Architect looked fabulous per usual. Especially
when you consider that the day before he ran his FOURTH L.A. Marathon. He is my shero.