The tears come less frequently now.
I should be thankful for that but I'm not.
They frighten me when they grip me so suddenly,
engulf my heart without warning, choke me
until I am left breathless, dazed, weak.
Just like that, I'm plunged back into the depths of a pain that I thought I'd survived. All of a sudden the past, present and future collide. And the pain becomes all I can remember, all I can feel, all I can imagine ever feeling.
I'm starting to realize that the pain has become a part of me, that it never left and never will. It recedes from time to time but it has become intertwined with my being. And I shouldn't be thankful for that but I am.
It means she remains with me,
she is a part of me,
we're still connected,
forever and always.
It was my grandmother's birthday this week. She would have been 82.
When I close my eyes, I can see her knowing smile
And I know a time will come when I'll smile back instead of cry.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Have always loved burgundy. Growing up, I equated it with grown-up glam since it was my grandmother's signature lip color. Later as a Trojan, it became the color I associated with school pride (USC's technical colors are cardinal and gold, not the Ronald McDonald mess you see at the Coliseum.)
I was thrilled when I realized in late summer, burgundy was going to be THE color for fall. When a few weeks later, the fashion universe was calling it "oxblood" I was grossed out. BLECH, right? What Pantone crazy comes up with this shit? Who wants to conjure up the idea of slaughtered livestock when getting dressed. Can't believe PETA hasn't jumped all over this one...
Despite the grossie josie name, I still love the color. Been dusting off everything I own in it. Like my favorite travel hat purchased a few Christmases ago at Kitson with my newish Ditas.
These cheapie jeans I nabbed at Nordstrom at the beginning of my colored jean frenzy. Paired 'em with my new favorite J Crew sweater that every blogger and celeb is loving this season.
This Black Halo dress that I wore for a wedding in Chicago recently with McQueen lace heels. Love love loved this look.
And this Marc by MJ top that I got resale last spring at The Divorcee Sale.
Recently bought his tweedy number at Topshop. Been wearing it to death. Extra points for the peplum.
Been easing into wearing the color on my lips too. Haven't done that since high school so feeling very sixteen-year-old-chola-don't-F-with-me whenever I do.
Scored the Holy Grail of shoes at Zara a few weeks ago: slippers + studs + ox blood = Fall trend gold.
Got tons of mileage out of them during a trip to NYC last week. Added bonus: matched the carpet at 30 Rock when I visited my beloved Mr. NBC. Meow.
Still left on my oxblood shopping list: the perfect luxe purse. Celine or Louis Vuitton in my dreams. Phillip Lim or Marc more likely.
And dying for a velvety jacket.