Watched a movie on Monday night that unexpectedly ended in suicide.
Totally knocked the wind out of me.
But it helped me process some mah-jor daddy's death issues.
And I wrote what's below---through torrential tears.
For the first time in a loooong time I wrote-wrote. And I healed.
Sharing is caring and I hope it helps give you some perspective in dark moments.
It's been a long time since I peered into the darkness.
Whenever I teeter on the brink, there's a voice inside me that whispers
No good can come from poking and prodding all that brokeness, all that ugliness. Go on pretending. Go on saying and doing what you're supposed to do. It's easier.
And so I try to drown out the shadows---with pretty things and alcohol and distractions and daily life.
I try to tell myself: it was so long ago. That he broke your heart, that he broke your world, that he left and left you behind in pieces.
And yet, there it remains. A big festering black hole. Of pain and regret and questions with no answers. Right at the center of who I am.
Whether I acknowledge it or not. It's there. I think it always will be.
Because the soul is not like the body.
Not every wound heals.
Wounds don’t always become scars.
Sometimes the pain we endure is so immense that it remains---a big festering wound. Always threatening to bleed into the present.
But then along comes a night where everything feels so still and safe.
When my mind feels quiet and ready.
And I feel brave enough and strong enough to plunge into the pain. To look at the wounds and scars and bloody mess inside. To approach it. To create something healing. To try to at least.
And suddenly I realize that I have to stop. Stop trying to prove I’m worthy, that I’m enough, that it wasn’t my fault. That I didn’t deserve to be abandoned, rejected, broken.
And in an instant, I come to terms with the fact that this pain will always be there.
No matter how much success I accomplish
no matter how much love and support surrounds me
no matter how many jokes I tell or people I help
no matter how pretty I look and perfect my life appears.
It will never change what happened.
It will never erase the pain---mine or his.
I will never be able to fix him, what he did, and how it affected me.
But with this knowledge and perspective, I can move forward.
I can put one foot in front of the other.
I will never escape what happened.
It is part of my past, my story, part of my soul.
But it doesn’t define my future.
I can and I will move forward.
Hugs to you.
Suicide is, by in large a selfish act. It ends their pain and suffering but the effect it has on those that loved them are everlasting. I wish the best for you.
I'm so sorry for you pain. Know that this post helps others though, so much. I'm going through something somewhat similar with my biological dad and reading this really really helped me sort through my own feelings.
I recently had a conversation with my sister the crux of which was "it's not your job to make mom happy". My response was "it's not?!" No matter how old you are, and I am kind of old, it is a struggle to let these things go. You are brave to share and I appreciate it as much as I appreciate all the sparkly and pretty.
I truly feel for you. I've known a few people who have commited suicide, one as recently as late December. There may be people who choose to end their lives for selfish reasons, but I don't think that is the case for most. The people I knew struggled with major depression their whole lives, and in the end, surrendered themselves to it.
This post is beautiful. I am not dealing with suicide, but another type of abandonment. Lately I have been feeling the same way and that I might not ever heal fully. The pain is part of who I am but I am moving forward. Love your blog
Just read your other post about your Dad. It's amazing how much we have in common- My father commit suicide when I was 12.
Hang in there!
so brave of you to face those feelings and share them with the world. thank you for being you!
I love you dear.
You are so strong and such a great example to people who need help healing. We all love you!
what a beautiful entry, thanks for sharing this.
My husband committed suicide last Feb.14. He was 37. They tell me to move on...Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult..
hugs to you - you have such beautiful perspective. and on this high note, your outfits for the past 3 days have been UH-mazing. thanks for the inspiration!!!! xxoo
You are such a beautiful writer. Thank you for sharing this. I think what you wrote is so universal to anyone who's ever had someone suddenly and unexpectedly leave them, in any way.
I hope you keep writing AND bringing the pretty. :)
You make "ugly" beautiful. Not to live it, I know, but beautiful to read and beautiful to see how you live your life with grace.
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