Thursday, August 7, 2008

Decided to go into work today. Halfway there I was crying. Hysterically. In rush hour traffic.

I finally realized this isn't a dream. I'm not going to wake up. I can't go back. This is real. This is happening.

It hit me like a ton of bricks when I called my mom this morning and she didn't pick up. I panicked.

From now on instead of thinking she's just busy, I'll always wonder if she's OK. From now on whenever my phone rings, I'll hold my breath, fearing the worst.

I made it to work in one piece thanks to Sable Crow. So thankful for his friendship. In the darkest of moments, he is always a shining beacon of light for me.

My co-workers were as concerned as they could be. I haven't really made the effort with any of them. Haven't opened up at all over the last 3 months. I don't really want to connect with anyone there. Especially not about this.


A few hours into the morning I got a cheery email from my favorite writer. He wanted to plan another chi chi dinner with my mister lawyer and his Mr. Architect. They don't know, I thought.

Then a few moments later, I got a second email from Silver-haired Fox. Said he'd just read the blog and was so sorry to hear about my mom.

That email was followed up by one from Mr. Architect. He'd been thinking about me all day yesterday that's why he prompted his Silver-haired Fox to contact me and plan a double date.

He also said his mother has been living with the same type of tumor for 22 years!!! In fact, she is president of her local chapter of the American Brain Tumor Association. She even has a website dedicated to all the latest research on meningiomas!!!!

My jaw hit the floor. I have known Mr. Architect for over 10 years and had no idea. When he said he'd like to take me to lunch, I jumped at the chance.

Over lunch, we laughed like we always do when we get together. But this time, for the first time, we cried together. Mr. A has always been a fun times friend. He teaches me how to tilt my head and look skinny in pictures. We bond over new houses, fabulous friends and our annoyingly perfect boyfriends. We celebrate together. We don't ache together. Until today.

He told me about his mom's initial diagnosis when he was 8. Her emergency surgery in the mid-80s. Then the devastating recurrence of her tumor in 2000.

Told me how lucky he was to have spent the months before that second surgery with his mom in Europe. How since that surgery she's lost sight in one eye.

He told me that he doesn't tell many people this because no one wants to hear about how your mother has a tumor. But, he told me, that we will help each other through this. Wow.

What are the odds that we'd have this in common? And that this year, of all years, he and I would reach out to each other so much more than we have in the past?

Reconnecting and falling in friend love all over again. At Ben's birthday in Portland and his mister's birthday party and then Mr. D's 90s fiesta. I was so excited when I found out this new job was close to his office and we could have lunch. He was even one of the small circle friends who helped celebrate my first day.

I have been very palpably feeling something pulling me towards him. For months now. And I guess he has too. He couldn't stop thinking about me the first full day we were dealing with all of this. I guess he felt me tugging at him too. Amazing, no?

So many other things feel cosmically right in retrospect. The fact that I started this blog. Created an outlet, found my voice. That it's become a forum to feel support from friends - new and old.

What a blessing that I started writing about my mother more and more as the months have passed. That she has seen people respond so favorably to my writing and feels proud of what I am creating.

I am so thankful for all the photos I have of her now, on random days, in loving moments we've shared this year. Just recently, for a split second, I acknowledged, "Someday I will be so thankful to have all these photos of her." I guess someday is here.

And what about the fact that I randomly ran into Pop Tart Lover? It has made my mother so happy that we reunited.

And now I am realizing her support will be invaluable in the days ahead since she has been dealing with her mother's own serious illness. She was actually the first person I told about my mom's tumor.

What a gift all these people, all these twists and turns of fate. Something's looking out for us. That realization helped me tremendously throughout the day.

Over dinner, my mom asked me what kind of comments I've gotten. I told her about the outpouring of support and her eyes welled up.

But they didn't spill over. There's no crying allowed around her, she tells me over and over.

She also asked me to take her picture multiple times tonight. Show all of you that she is strong and staying positive and looking like herself.




I on the other hand looked like dog shit today. Didn't do my hair again. And cried off my makeup by 9 am.

Threw on jeans and flats and a flowery tank and Forever 21 jacket. And the new Me&Ro necklace to celebrate the feminine and ward off evil spirits dancing around in the form of fear.



These flowers her friend sent were stunning, no? Matched my tank top. When I left my mom's house, I wept in the car for half an hour. The flowers somehow made it even more real that there's something wrong. Isn't that ironic?

20 comments:

WendyB said...

I'm glad you found someone who can provide some support and perspective. Now that you mention it, I realize I know someone who has had a sinus tumor for 20 years. Recently it was growing and he needed some treatment for it but he seems to be doing well. I sincerely hope your mom will be one of these people who will be able to control it like that.

Michelle said...

I just want to hug your mom. And you! I'm still keeping your mom in my thoughts and prayers.

Tiffany said...

One of my best friend's dad had a brain tumor a couple of years ago. It was very scary at the time but he is better and still living a very fulfilling life. I hope that your mom will come out the same.

love the pictures of your mom. She is the cutest. Sending positive thoughts your way!

Style Maven said...

sending lots of prayers and hope your way. thank you again for sharing all this with us, makes me appreciate my own mommy and pray for your own to come out of this on top and better than ever. you are such a strong person and that is so inspiring. and dont ever forget, crying is not a bad thing. its pain leaving the body. crying will always make you feel just a tiny bit better! :)

WeezerMonkey said...

It is during your toughest times (and their toughest times) that you learn the most about your friends.

Total kismet with Mr. Architect. Amazing.

I love the pictures of Mami, especially the one with the "V is for Victory Over the Meningioma!"

Nancy said...

It is SOOO not fair that we have to see our parents grow older and stand by feeling helpless when they are sick. When my dad died of cancer in 2000, it was the first time I realized that he is not immortal! He always acted like he was, and being his little girl, what else was I to think? You and your mom have SUCH a wonderful relationship~ you almost seem like sisters :) Make everyday count and it will for always. hugs...

lookrichbitch said...

Grateful that you have such a wonderful group of friends. Don't ever feel like you have to go through this alone!

CoutureCarrie said...

You are an amazing daughter, friend, wife and blogger!

Your mom sounds and looks beautiful and I am sure she is buoyed by your love and support, even when you don't do your hair and your makeup is running down your face . . . Kinda puts things in perspective, right?

On a lighter note, I think we all have bad childhood memories of the sound of corduroy, so I won't force you to wear it . . . but I think you would look FABulous in a smart brocade coat or skirt. Think about it!
And stay strong; you are awesome!

xoxox,
CC

P.S. Thanks for all those lovely comments - geez you are really something, Diabs!!

Mrs. Shorty Cake said...

I totally agree with the monkey...and its amazing that you have this new stronger connection with your friends.

Its funny, through your blog, I feel like I know you and your adorable mom~I'm so glad to see her smile, and that she is staying so strong and positive :)

Lynn said...

Still thinking of you and your mamacita. Want to reach out and hug you both. XOXO.

meghan said...

I've been lurking on your blog for awhile now - found you through weezermonkey and missjordypants. i love your fashion commentary and your sunny style of writing - it always puts a smile on my face.

a close friend of mine was diagnosed with multiple meningiomas a few years ago. after several surgeries and personal struggle she's doing pretty well now. she's documented her experience at http://meningiomablog.blogspot.com/. i also know that she attends a brain tumor support group at Northridge Hospital that she says has helped a lot.

my thoughts and prayers are with you, your mom and your family.

tam pham said...

as beautiful as those flowers are, they're don't even come close to how beautiful your momma is. thinking of you both.

amber said...

that cliche "things happen for a reason" is so true sometimes.

love the pictures of you mommy. she looks great!

lots of love and hugs to you both.

dapotato said...

mommy does looks strong and wonderful.

aweseomeness with mr. architect.

hugs. again.

Kate of All Trades said...

I've said this before. I look at around at the people in our USC + 10 years group and I am just stunned that I'm in it. Even the ones that I only know by proxy like SC, are awesome and I feel so lucky and grateful to be associated. And of course I have a very special spot in my heart for Mr. Architect. I'm so, so glad that you two have each other right now. His experience with his own mother has now been transformed into a gift he can give you right now when everything is new and scary with your mom. Two people I love helping each other and caring for each other? Makes me feel so good. And, I have to say, relieved. I've been wanting comfort for you for the past several days, so glad it came in the form of Mr. A.

xoxo

Sable Crow said...

Not sure what to say today, but to tell you that I love you and that I send you e-Kisses only about 1% of the time I'm thinking about you and mama.

Sable Crow

alyssa said...

I've been lurking for a while now, but wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you during this difficult time. Like the other comments, your mom does look so strong and beautiful! Sending you lots of blogger hugs!

harp said...

tu y tu mama have been in my thoughts over the weekend, even commented with the husband, funny how people we don't "know" affect our lives - hoping and praying for the best. I have a feeling things are going to be ok!

abrazos,

Ly

Ivy said...

What an absolute doll your mom is! To pose so cute just to let us all know that she's going strong and will fight this battle.

It's great that when the tough comes along your true friends shine through.

Ben said...

Yo, just wanted to let you know that I've been following all of this and I'm throwing lots of love and positive energy your way. Wish I could be there to give you hugs.

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