A big anniversary and an even bigger announcement

On March 10, 2012, my mother’s mother who helped raise me died. And I felt like a fundamental part of me changed forever.

Two years later, as I write this, I'm pregnant with a daughter of my own. And I feel like a piece of my grandmother has made its way back to me and my mother...  

I still cried today. But they were tears of loss and gratitude. Pain and joy. Regret and hope. Because, well, life can be so heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time.  

Over the past few months, there have been several moments when my (ecstatic!) mom and I will be chattering happily about the baby and one of us will break down suddenly. We’ll tell the other one what she already knows: I wish Olga was with us, to see this, to meet the baby and to be known by her.

And yet, I’m not sure I’d be having a child if I hadn’t lost my grandma. I struggled with the decision for most of my 30s. But ultimately the biggest lesson in my grandmother's death was that I needed to live.  Stop overanalyzing and worrying and planning and instead, for the first time, truly allow for my life to unfold. 

That’s also what I’m trying to do with this post and the blog in general.  After months of hemming and hawing about recommitting to blogging  and then fretting over how to write about the baby, I’m finally just putting  words on a page: I'm pregnant and thrilled and terrified. And I want to document this incredible moment in my life with Mr. Diabolina, my mom and our loved ones. 

I’ll share all the fashion soon (I don't think you're ready for this jelly/belly or the baby's similarly expanding wardrobe!) But first I wanted to share the emotion – what I hope was at the heart of this "fashion" blog when it was a *thing*. 

Here are the first words I wrote about my baby girl several months ago. Today they feel like the perfect ode to my grandmother. May they make her smile...wherever she is  ;)

Her

She has always been a part of me. We are intertwined. Inextricable.

She's danced in the corners of my mind and at the edges of my soul for as long as I can remember.

I've never clearly seen her face or heard her voice. I've only caught glimpses of her in sun-drenched dreams – blinding flashes of her smile, how she moves in the world, the way she makes me feel.

I've never met her and yet I've always known she is smart and beautiful and strong and funny. I've always known she will drive me crazy and make me proud.

In the stillness, she has come to me, shown me that she is my destiny, my muse, my daughter.

She will teach me and heal me. She will humble me and save me.

She will unlock the woman I am meant to be...at last.

I'm back

It started with a Tweet.

@diabolina I miss your blog! Please write again soon 🙏#fanfrommanila
— leeleeput (@msbyuds) August 2, 2013

Followed by a Pinterest comment on my pin about the existential crisis that is blogging ;)

Two little interactions. Two tiny moments of connectedness. Two lovely instances of my soul dancing with strangers in cyberspace.

Made me remember what blogging felt like: befriending women around the world through my writing. Sharing. Creating. Feeling known. Inspiring. Making people smile, feel, think, cry and of course, shop ;)

I remembered that for four years of my life this blog was a whole thing. It was my thing. Blogging was therapy, exhibitionism, creativity and escape - all rolled in to one.

It's been hard to admit why I stopped blogging last year. The truth is that I lost my self there for a while. In my grandmother's death, in work. I questioned what I was doing with my life and even more devastating, I doubted my voice.

I retreated from fun and fashion and writing. Which left me sad and frumpy and voiceless. Not a good look on anyone – especially a fashion blogger.

It's taken me most of 2013 but I'm starting to feel like myself again. Change is in the air. I even give a fuck about shoes again. Mental note: Blanche is always right.

So how do I catch up on nearly a year of blogging? Not entirely sure. Feels like the format should evolve. Blathering on about my daily outfits seems soooooo 2008 ;)

As a lady of (gulp!) 36, I think it's more about sharing the big life "ahas" with some food and fashion porn mixed in. Kinda like this:

Life

My mom took me to Europe the summer after I got my Master's degree. Then I blinked and TWELVE years passed! So this summer, I finally returned the favor.

Not so fun back story: During my entire career, I've never taken more than 5 days off in a row. So no "big" overseas trips. Biggest regret of my 20s.

My grandmother dying was a huge wake up call. Made me finally understand that tomorrow is not guaranteed. That, in an instant, the things you put off can become regrets.  And that my (hilarious) mother may not always be this healthy...

So why not watch the fucking Eiffel Tower twinkle together more often than once a decade. It's like it took all the pain of my grandma's death to remind me that I was alive.

And guess who got in on Europa con nosotras? Yep, the man, the myth himself: Mr. Diabolina. It was our first time there together.

Trying to go through 1,500 pictures from Europe is #bougieproblems central. Here's one fave in Bruges pic.twitter.com/J1rrS6Zu4t
— Diabolina (@diabolina) July 17, 2013

He never took real vacations from the firm either. Ugh to both of us type As.

For most of this year, he's been negotiating his own career transition, wrestling his own darkness and emerging a healthier, happier man for it. I've never been prouder of him.

And, um, babies are suddenly everywhere around us right now.

If there's a baby in the room, this is where you'll find me pic.twitter.com/uS0EBtVNfQ
— Diabolina (@diabolina) June 1, 2013

Especially in our heads.

It's shocking but, for the first time in my adult life, I can actually picture myself as someone's mother. I think that's yet another by-product of losing one of the women that raised you. You want a piece of you back. You think about your legacy. You long for connections that promise forever.  

LOVE how much my godson & I look alike when we smile...and how unimpressed his sister is with us #shade&sequins pic.twitter.com/dOrFD5w5Rf
— Diabolina (@diabolina) August 13, 2013

No decisions have been made either way but it feels good to approach it head-on as a conscious choice. Stay tuned. (It's my mom's favorite channel, btw.)

Food

Celebrated my birthday dinner at the new vegetarian hot spot Crossroads with our favorite hot vegetarian architect.

Go to there even if you're a carnivore. Super creative uses of vegetables that recreate the textures of meat and seafood and cheese. The "crab cakes" are a must.

We also went to the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel for brunch that weekend. Hadn't been in nearly two decades. Too many memories of my dad, who had a clothing store there back in the day.

Mama looks like SHE's turning 36 pic.twitter.com/17ow7Zxozo
— Diabolina (@diabolina) July 28, 2013

Highly recommend for the old Hollywood glam...with a major side of French toast.

Fashion

So I get an F for hardly shopping in Europe.

After 2 weeks in Europe, I only bought 2 pairs of shoes & a few trinkets. HUGE restraint on my part #growingup pic.twitter.com/i3cQ49N52s
— Diabolina (@diabolina) July 9, 2013

Trying to make up for it with a belated birthday spree. Gave my tootsies a treat in mixed prints. Courtesy of Loeffler Randall. Obsessed in love with this brand. Comfortable, chic and reasonable...well, on sale they are.

Another yummy that I'm newly stalking: Bionda Castana. You're welcome.

BC fans send us their holiday photos :) Keep them coming... pic.twitter.com/KrUapN35nj
— biondacastana.com (@BiondaCastana) August 7, 2013

Pondering a new bag too. Was leaning toward a classic Balenciaga in a poppy, girly color because I have all the boring basics covered.

Then these two edgier Phillip Lims (for significantly less) got stuck in my lusty head. 

Confession: Increasingly obsessed with leopard and fur. Also fake eyelashes and bronzer. The transition to full drag queen is almost complete.

Feel like a woman, wear a braided gold lamé headband to jury duty
— RuPaul (@RuPaul) August 14, 2013

But I'm going to hold off on buying a bag until Phillip Lim for Target hits stores. Seems like it's going to be the best Tarjay collab since Missoni, riiiiiight????

Officially can't wait for 9/15! Loving every look at the #PhillipLimForTarget preview. https://t.co/zeiJTBt69r
— A Bullseye View (@ABullseyeView) August 12, 2013

So what's new wit-chooo?

xoxo

Shakira, H&M polka dots and Trojan girls

Last week, Mr. Diabolina surprised me with tickets to Shakira.

Um, I think they were actually more of a gift for himself.  AND the

only other person who knew about the surprise: The Brown Devil

But the most surprising part was that the boys decided The Brown Devil's baby girl was ready for her first concert. At the age of 3!! At least they bought her baby rockstar head phones.

Her mama St. Jude and I prepared her for the show by telling her

a Princess named Shakira was going to sing and dance for her.

Thankfully Shakira dressed the part in huge ball gowns to open and close the show.

Though there were quite a few She Wolf outfits and um, moves.

Someone may have acted all shocked but she loved it.
After all, she is a half brown she wolf herself. 

St. Jude and I became friends during a European grad school trip. And let me tell you I NEVER EVER dreamed I'd witness her daughter's first concert 11 years later.  A sweet reminder that life is full of so many unexpected gifts. 

Case in point, the same week as the Shakira surprise,
I met up with a LOVERLY colleague of The Brown Devil's. 

He had turned her on to my blog and urged us to meet saying we were two peas in a pod.

Which was evident the minute we laid eyes on each other.  We were both wearing polka dotted H&M dresses!!! LOOOVE psychic matching on first dates!

We talked for hours and I was shocked to find out just how much we had in common.

 Not least of which was our shared alma mater: USC's Annenberg School of Journalism.

Which is where I met St. Jude. Who in case you're blind was also dressed
 in polka dots the Shakira night.  A little WEIRD, right???

Or maybe not since polka dots are always in style.

Just like cool, smart, hilarious girlfriends.

Hope you have a fun weekend with yours ;)

Channeling Posh Spice in Forever 21 & Giuseppe Zannotti

When Mr. Diabolina and I met, his youngest sister Felicity 2.0 wasn't even a teenager yet. Can't believe she's now engaged to be mawied. 

The wedding will be later this summer in Maine so last month her parents

hosted a little soiree to celebrate the happy couple in Cali.

It was a lovely event filled with some of my favorite things - blue eyes, boozing and pigging.

Oh and there was my peplum dress.  My ladylike, flattering, retro, sexy secretary, panda-riffic peplum dress.

 The dress is from Forever 21.  It has an unfortunate name "Reminiscent Career Dress" (WTF, Changs!) Thankfully it had the very fortunate pricetag of $27.80!!

I nearly keeled over when I slipped it on in the F21 dressing room. The piping was elegant, the material substantial and the fit impeccable.  And the peplum (that's the short overskirt) pulled a total fashion MacGwyver: creating a waist on my straight-up-and-down middle while disguising that good ole stomach poochieness.  A+ And not surprising that the peplum originated in ancient Greece - all those Bacchus-gobbling types WOULD need a bit of mid-section magic.

One woman who has zero need for sartorial optical illusions is Victoria Beckham.  And yet the peplum silhouette is one of the signatures of her 40s-era designs.  It's frankly why I bought the dress.  I knew I wouldn't be plunking down several thousands for a Posh Spice original any time soon.  Forever 21 would have to do.

Was worried black would be too somber for an engagement party so added a neon pop.  A neon pop of hot sex on a silver ice pick.  My Baribie-meets-Blade-Runner Giuseppe Zannotti heels.

You would not BEElieve how these shoes flummox people.  Man, woman and child.   Love the shock factor. It's good for people. Makes them think twice about the same old, same old.  

Learned it by watching Victoria

And PYTs like Mr. D's baby cousin. This child KILLS me. From the gilded shoes to the on-trend braids to the unbridled hogging, she is a kindred spirit.

And did I mention "Bad Romance" is her favorite song!  LOVE!  Here we are discussing some Gaga  costume options for Halloween with her mama. Do you die?

I seriously needed to summon all my self-restraint to not gobble her right then and there. FOR REALZ, you have to be careful around me and your babies. I WILL eat them and just wear a peplum dress to disguise the belly. You've been warned.

p.s. Congrats to Miss Mae of The Valley Girl.  She won the $100 Shopbop giftcard!!!  Kiss you all for entering.