Monday, March 10, 2014

A big anniversary and an even bigger announcement

On March 10, 2012, my mother’s mother who helped raise me died. And I felt like a fundamental part of me changed forever.

Two years later, as I write this, I'm pregnant with a daughter of my own. And I feel like a piece of my grandmother has made its way back to me and my mother...  

I still cried today. But they were tears of loss and gratitude. Pain and joy. Regret and hope. Because, well, life can be so heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time.  

Over the past few months, there have been several moments when my (ecstatic!) mom and I will be chattering happily about the baby and one of us will break down suddenly. We’ll tell the other one what she already knows: I wish Olga was with us, to see this, to meet the baby and to be known by her.

And yet, I’m not sure I’d be having a child if I hadn’t lost my grandma. I struggled with the decision for most of my 30s. But ultimately the biggest lesson in my grandmother's death was that I needed to live.  Stop overanalyzing and worrying and planning and instead, for the first time, truly allow for my life to unfold. 

That’s also what I’m trying to do with this post and the blog in general.  After months of hemming and hawing about recommitting to blogging  and then fretting over how to write about the baby, I’m finally just putting  words on a page: I'm pregnant and thrilled and terrified. And I want to document this incredible moment in my life with Mr. Diabolina, my mom and our loved ones. 

I’ll share all the fashion soon (I don't think you're ready for this jelly/belly or the baby's similarly expanding wardrobe!) But first I wanted to share the emotion – what I hope was at the heart of this "fashion" blog when it was a *thing*. 

Here are the first words I wrote about my baby girl several months ago. Today they feel like the perfect ode to my grandmother. May they make her smile...wherever she is  ;)


She has always been a part of me. We are intertwined. Inextricable.

She's danced in the corners of my mind and at the edges of my soul for as long as I can remember.

I've never clearly seen her face or heard her voice. I've only caught glimpses of her in sun-drenched dreams – blinding flashes of her smile, how she moves in the world, the way she makes me feel.

I've never met her and yet I've always known she is smart and beautiful and strong and funny. I've always known she will drive me crazy and make me proud.

In the stillness, she has come to me, shown me that she is my destiny, my muse, my daughter.

She will teach me and heal me. She will humble me and save me.
She will unlock the woman I am meant to last.


Lauren said...

Big congrats to you, such wonderful news. Happy to see you back!

Adeleno5 said...

Mazel Tov to you and Mr. D and your lovely mom!

Cordially Invited said...

welcome back and BIG HUGE Congratulations!! I have been waiting for a post - checking in often - LOL.

Enjoy the journey and adventures of motherhood.

Stop in the store to say hi sometime.

Jordana said...

Love, so happy to read your words again darling! As someone who is struggling with the same to-baby or not-to-baby worries, I'm so thrilled for you! I hate that it takes such a traumatic experience for us to realize what's really important and what we want for our lives. Such loss to produce such great gain.

So many congratulations!

Misty said...

First, Congratulations, what an amazing blessing! I, too, lost my beloved grandmother before my precious daughter was born and SO often I think and wish they could have known each other. I see my grandmother in my daughter and it makes me think maybe they did know each other in heaven, before my daughter came to me.

MargoSLaw said...

This is so absolutely exciting. Major major congratulations. Enjoy every second of it. Milk that pregnancy for all its worth (people LOVE pregnant women….new mommas…not as much)

As a new mother to a now 10month old, I have to say that all the fears you talk about - yeah - they're totally real. But omg - the joy, the love, that connection you have with this new little one - there's really no way to explain it. Everyday I struggle with remaining my "self," with balancing my work life, with finding a balance between being selfish and selfless….but as the cliche goes - where there's a will, there's a way. Yes things have changed. But I wouldn't change them back at all. i really am the happiest I have ever been in my life.

I cannot wait to see your clothes, fashion, preggo, baby journey!! I missed your posts!

sarah said...

I thought I was happy to see a new post from you pop up in my Bloglovin feed -- but an announcement about a daughter?!?! WOW! ! ! !! Bring on the baby fashion! Congratulations!

Rachee said...

I'm so incredibly excited for you! Beautiful words. Your little lady is so blessed to have you as her mama!

V said...

Congratulations!! How very exciting about all these wonderful changes in your life, it is THE BEST job ever, the hardest job ever, but I wouldn't change it for a bit! Congrats again!

Christine | Life in a Dress said...

I have always loved reading your blog and I'm so glad you're back. It's inspiring me to get back to writing. Congratulations on your big news! Can't wait to see the baby and maternity style posts.

JCHokie said...

I am so truly happy for you! I still remember reading about your grandmother's death and I know you and your mom went through some tough times. I lost my grandfather a little over a year ago and it still pains me every time I think about him.

I have been a long time reader and I just want to say that I'm so happy to hear of this news. Happy and healthy rest of your pregnancy! Congrats!!!

Kanishka said...

I saw your tweet about the quake this morning and was What?! What the what?! Had to rush over here and see if there was a post and I'm thrilled to see that you blogged about it! I'm so so happy for you! And excited for all of us that get to benefit from prego and baby fashion.
This "Stop overanalyzing and worrying and planning and instead, for the first time, truly allow for my life to unfold. "
I need to have this pounded into my head as someone that is also going back and forth on this question.
Congratulations to you and Mr.D and mama D!

letsdancetilldawn said...

Congratulations!!! I'm so happy for you both. Your words for your baby girl are so precious and so true. That is also how I felt when I found out that I was having a baby girl 15 years ago and to this day my not so little Sophia still amazes me.
I'm ecstatic that you're also writing again :-) Can't wait to see Mummy D and Baby D in fashion
together. How exciting!!!

Leeleeput (@msbyuds) your fan from Manila, Philippines ;-)

Sheila said...

What wonderful news, CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so very happy for you and your family. I'm excited you are writing again on the blog and documenting your experiences. Love it, you are my one of my favorite lunch time work week reads! I too struggled to know if I was mother material in my 20s and early 30s. Now I have a beautiful 2 yr. old son and loving life.

alcollin said...

Just seeing this post!!! Congrats on not only the new addition to your family but also on restarting your journey to blog again . . . I have always loved your blog because you have seemed like my kindred spirit animal . . . even your thoughts on motherhood/pregnancy mirror my own!


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