Sunday, July 6, 2008

The Scene
Enjoy such a lovely day with my mother today. We don't do anything special. Just the usual Sunday fare: eat, talk, shop, repeat.

But all day I feel so understood by her. So cherished and supported. What gift for a mother to hand her daughter.

I've been thinking about the mother/child bond quite a bit lately. Maybe St. JudE sending me these gorgeous shots of her little angel on Friday triggered the musings.

Maybe it's because a co-worker on my team just got back from maternity leave after having twins and I'm watching her juggle.

Regardless, the "to baby or not to baby" debate has been dancing in my head all weekend. Been really focused on the multiple and insidious ways our parents shape us. Mold our views of the world.

How that parent-child bond can sustain us. And how it can really screw us up at times. Realizing just how imperfectly perfect it is.

For the last year, I've noticed how glowy all my closest friends are around their babies. I've watched these girls I once knew become women. Become someone's mother. Have watched them change and somehow stay the same.

I have watched them learn a secret language. That language of mother and child. One that I can't quite understand or speak. Not yet. Maybe never.

And I live in L.A. so I watch my famous "friends" with their babies too :)

Envy how at ease and complete they look around their baby girls, their very own mini -mes.

And though I am seduced by the idea of building what my mom and I have with a whole new delicious little person, I worry about becoming a mother. Worry it may not be for me.

I worry what that might mean about me - that I'm not mature enough or selfless enough or loving enough or maybe all of the above? I worry about losing my self if I have a child. I fear losing my freedom and maybe my ambition and probably most of my guilty pleasures.

I worry about the doors it will shut permanently. All the ways it would change my relationship with Mr. D. I worry about making decisions that are irrevocable and about windows of opportunity closing forever.

Ugh. I worry alot ;)

The Outfit

Fashion District two tone dress with crochet overlay

The Accessories
Forever 21 lucite bangles and sunglasses

Louis Vuitton Damier tote
Fashion District rosette sandals

The Grade

The Commentary
It's a dream to not have to worry about looking good when you are worried about big life choices ;) Thank GOD for the Los Angeles Fashion District!

This dress is the definition of adorably chic. The minute I saw it my eyes bugged out like a cartoon character. An exquisite, inspired-by-Mr.-Phillip-Lim frock for less than $100!!! COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.

Had just tried to find his red/black/white dress during the Barney's sale. But there were none left the second time I went. Frankly, I was a bit relieved - had been trying to justify plunking down several hundred for it. So glad I didn't!

Now this dress is not a perfect copy by any means. For one, it wrinkles super easily. The material is quite synthetic. No me gusta. And the crochet overlay isn't as intricately stunning as the original. Boo.

The sizing is also off. I bought the small because of the incredibly sacky cut. And it's actually still quite big in the middle.

And look at how short it is! Eeks. A mini! But I guess the original looks pretty daringly short too. Will likely have to pair it with leggings to make it work appropriate.

No matter. I felt dreamy today. Easy and casual yet pretty and pulled together. And pockets and detailing and color blocking - they are some of my very favorite fashion things all rolled into one reasonably priced dress. H-E-A-V-E-N!

Alas, no compliments from strangers today but loads of dumbfounded stares. Decided to take that as a good thing. And my mom - of course - adored it. She said I sparkled in it.

Love that. Love to see myself through her eyes. Makes me less worried, more fearless. Even for just a day.


weezermonkey said...

You are really lucky to feel this way about your mom.

Fabulosity said...

You and Mr. D would make some cute and brainy kids! I think your mommy would love some grandkids!

I need this dress ASAP!

amber said...

i'm right there with ya on the having kids thing. it's definitely not for me now, but i'm not sure if/when it will be.

Jean Bean said...

I second Weezermonkey. I think most women become mothers despite their fears of turning into their own mothers. It's typically a more fraught relationship than Diabolina/Mamacita have.

That said, I can't believe we both made a beeline to Barneys for the same dress! And I too was sort of relieved when I couldn't find it. Oh well, more money for booze.

Victoria said...

am feeling you on this one. i feel the same way you do. you're not the only one :)

Morgan | Mrs. Priss said...

I liked this post a lot. I think I went through the same EXACT thing -- worrying about how having kids would change who I am and all that. Want to know what changed it for me? Well, besides an unplanned pregnancy (ha)? Imagining how freaking adorable my daughter is going to be in the little outfits I buy for her. Ohhh Lord, I can't wait.

tam pham said...

you already know how i feel about this dress :-).

loved the thoughts behind this post. i feel very alike with you on many of your worries/feelings. no wonder we're twins.

R said...

I don't think the worrying stops after you have kids. It just changes direction a little. :) You will always be unsure and always have those dangling question marks over your head. Coming from someone who knows, being a mother is the scariest, most wonderful thing in the world.

Rachee said...

Great post. I always thought I wanted kids, but now I'm not so sure. I don't know when or if I'll ever be ready and it freaks me out, both not having kids or having them.

Sable Crow said...

I need a squawk: When I look back on my family, my parents had NO friends that didn't have kids. They hardly had any friends at all, and I think that seemed to me then--and seems to me now--to be the result both of their choices and of the presence of my brother and I. We were friends with our neighbors, all of whom had kids and nuclear families that looked like ours. A simple conclusion for a little crow brain: Kids = No Social Life = No Individual Identity.

For someone taught later to be an individual and drawn naturally to a broad and cosmopolitan social life, that's obviously a problem when it comes to having children. To say they change everything is to understate the case; instead, children BECOME everything.

And we're all bourgie enough not to HAVE to do anything. Being able to write a blog about picking frocks, or about anything really, is evidence that we're mostly looking back down the steep slope of Maslow's Pyramid, wondering why we're so afraid of heights.

A friend of mine answered one of my slightly-skeptical questions with the best treatise on parenthood: "There will NEVER be a 'good' time and it will NEVER feel any more comfortable," said this now-mom when she was getting pregnant. "You either want it and make it happen, or you don't."

Leaving aside whether it's a fundamental right, I offer this: We don't need kids for labor, or to fulfill our oh-so-modern visions of family, and we certainly don't need them to have fulfilling lives. The world doesn't need them (we've got enough people ruining the planet, thanks); and having them for company or so we don't grow old alone is disingenuous. So: We don't NEED children.

Either we want them, and we make them happen like a Philip Lim dress or an Armani suit, or we don't.

I'm a gay man in Los Angeles: job in finance, good education, big shiny black convertible, trips wherever whenever, closet full of designer clothes. I can get married until November, at which point a bunch of people I've never met will VOTE to decide whether it's okay for me to marry the man I someday hope will be my husband. My Point: If there was anybody in this process who should feel that kids aren't expected of him, it should be me.

And yet, even I feel the pressure to have kids. So I say: Why?

Why should all you brilliant women--with your careers, and your gorgeous words, and your friendships and loves and lives--WHY should you feel like you have to do this? Some genetic imperative? Why should you feel guilty or selfish if you choose not to?

I think it's because nobody dares to look at this procreative-assumption and say, "This doesn't make sense." And before you think, "This angry 'mo is bitter" I ask you this: My thesis may be unconventional, but so was the conversation about the earth orbiting the sun. And look how that turned out.

Which calls into question our fundamental purpose as humans: The propogation of the species, or own development as creatures who have overcome our animal beginnings?

Why do you have to be sure kids are for you? Either you want it, or you don't. Either way, you are a radiant, inquisitive, incredible creature all on your own. And maybe THAT'S the point.

Da Fashionista said...

am kissing you all for sharing! makes me feel less lost.


MissJordyPants said...

I love this post almost as much as I adore that dress.

So many issues... should/must vs want. It's such a major decision that I would be worried if you weren't so worried.

I think you have to want to change your life. You must be willing to be completely head-over-heels and selflessly in love with another person for the rest of your life. However, I honestly don't think that your life has to change as much as our parents changed theirs. But then again, this girl is without child, so I might be completely clueless.

Ly said...

I was having this exact conversation with my husband today. We are at a decison crossroad in our life, and we want to be prepared in every way possible before deciding on such a life-altering event. I truly beleive that the desire to become a mother has to come naturally, it cannot be forced. When the timing is right, the fear will be minimal, if at all existant. Just like when you meet the love of your life and you just "know" they are the one, I feel every women reaches that point where she just knows if it's for her or not.

Great, insightful post!

Ly said...

oh, and forgive all my horrible typos, (I DO know how to spell:)

Juana said...

I want to take baby Suri and save her from L. Ron Hubbard. She's so cute.

dapotato said...

totally and completely feel you on this. my mom felt like us, and she promises all that you need kicks in when you become a mother but admits it definitely changes you and your priorities.

a+ fo sheezy on the outfit today.

Kate said...

Do it!

Ha ha, I kid.

I guess my thoughts for you are this - don't worry about being too selfish. You're not. You rise and you know that. Motherhood would be your opus. If you decide not to have kids, something else will be. I think in the end it just comes down to living a life in which you fully express who you are. If being a mother is a part of that, then you'll have kids. If it isn't, then you won't. One is not better than the other. And if you do have a child, I don't worry for one second that you will lose you. The fact that you are even thinking about that now would go a long way. I think that it's the women that think they're going to find ultimate fulfillment in motherhood that run into trubs.

Motherhood was a choice I made to create a path for growth and expansion. It's painful, I am constantly shocked by how heartbreaking it is to love someone so much and that every day, from the minute you physically give birth, is about letting go. Every aspect of my life is challenged by the fact that I have this little life to shape. But of course I wouldn't trade a single second of it. I didn't know it was possible to feel love like this, so deep and wide, so much bigger than my body can contain. Growth and expansion...yep.

Anyway, as you make your decision, let it be less about what you worry about and more about what inspires you. There are a lot of amazing things one can do when their time and resources aren't going to childrearing. If the vision of that life is what excites you, do it. And don't spend a single minute feeling guilty about it.

Also, cute dress.

Tiffany said...

Thank you for this post and for the above commenters. I feel the same way about you and definitely know that I'm not having kids anytime soon but I also am on the fence about having kids at all. when I am with my friends it seems that I am the rare one with no dreams of having children so it's nice to hear other women's thoughts about it.

on the fashion side, that dress is fantastic. the color combo is fab. and how great are those sandals? I want!

Blue Bird said...

Thoughts on kid stuff.

I really struggled with the whole decision to have kids, too. Was not a fan of the idea for a long time, thinking that it would definitely ruin my life. Turns out, it didn't.

I love my kid, but sweet mercy, I do wish I had more "me time." Part of the trouble is that I don't have family around, so regular babysitting options are hard to come by. I love going to see movies, but I think I've only gotten to see about six or seven in the theater since W was born two and a half years ago. Every time a new movie comes out that I want to see and I have to wait until DVD, a part of the cinephile in me dies a little.

Here's the deal. Is parenting really F-ing hard and crappy sometimes? Um, yes. Would I trade it? Nope.

It's not for everyone. And the pressure to have kids in society is straight up retarded. You and Mr. D will figure it out. And whatever you decide will be what you decide. And therefore, it can't be wrong because it's what you decided. You dig?

Mr. T

P.S. Love and miss you.

Da Fashionista said...

b and kate,

i adore the two of you. thanks for the wisdom. i am definitely looking to you as a couple who is a beacon of hope. i know it's tough but you are really making parenthood look attractive. your kid is a lucky ducky.


Unknown said...

Long time reader, first time comment:
Diabolina, I hope you give yourself an A+ more often. The sensitivity, honesty, and beauty of this post shows that style is about more than just clothes. XOXO

Da Fashionista said...


wow. what a gift your comment is. thank you.



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