Wednesday, March 24, 2010

How to Look Skinny in Pictures by Mr. Architect

The good news: Jean Bean is in GQ. See her in the fuchsia and houndstooth? YAY!
The bad news: she thinks she looks bloated. Boooo!

Like a total rookie, her size 2 ass neglected to follow Mr. Architect's fundamental "How to Look Skinny In Pictures" rules. F.

So I figured I'd bring in the master to share his tips for size 2's and 22's alike. Edumacate us once and for all about working what your mama gave ya in photos.  This man - who works with angles and visuals all day long professionally, after all - has got looking good in pictures down to a science. And if blogging has taught me one thing, it's that what you look like in real life isn't as important as what ends up in photos. Fact: Celluloid is what lasts.

Just ask Paris ;)


First of all, ladies, you NEVER want to be on the end of a picture. EVER!  But if you are on the end, it is NOT your job to lean in.  If you do, you'll look twice as wide as the people in the middle AND desperate. Not a good combination.

If the photographer can't fit you in the picture then move to the middle, or squish everyone else.  Look, it's every vain bitch for herself!  Just DO NOT lean in! It'll always end up being a wiiiiide side shot of your whole body and then empty un-cropped space on your other side begging the question why are you the one leaning in and being all needy.

So, now let's say, through diabolical maneuvering or dumb luck, you end up in the middle of the picture, and standing next to someone either much skinnier or much taller then you.  Here's what you want to do: move your face/body back ever so slightly so that - voila! - everyone else appears a little bigger by virtue of being closer to the camera. But be VERY careful not to create a double chin when pulling backwards. This is critical.  Diabolina has shared my signature trick with you in the past and you can see the GENIUS optical illusion it creates here and here and here.

Another thing: everyone should know his/her best angle. I mean even supermodels do and most of us will never look half as good as a supermodel's worst angle! If you do not already know your angles, try tipping your head slightly down, again avoiding a double chin, but creating a shadow along the lower jaw line and therefore chiseled thin face. Eyes up and wide open looking directly into the camera.  And I always giggle a little to get a natural smile!

The only downside to my advice is that every picture I have of myself looks exactly the same.  But hey I look good-ish.

Hope you enjoyed this drivel - now go out there and make me proud!

Mr. Architect


Amazing right? Jean Bean and I bow down.

Here is the man, the myth,  in action at recent events like Daisy Duke's birthday at Malibu Family Vineyards and the annual Trevor Project Oscars party.

Two very important final tips Mr. Architect failed to mention that every (real or imagined) celebrity knows: a) always retain veto power of any picture taken of you and b) post-production (i.e. creative cropping, blemish removal, color enhancements) is your best friend.

He is so strict about both of these rules that I have been warned not to publish HILARIOUS pictures from Monday night - involving Darth Vader, Snoop Dogg and riot police - until he is allowed to review the pictures and clean up some "issues."

I say whatevs though. Mr. Architect looked fabulous per usual.  Especially when you consider that the day before he ran his FOURTH L.A. Marathon.  He is my shero.


MT & John said...

This is a great post for everyone! Thanks for the advice, now we just have to remember it!

Mr. Architect said...

you are a genius- and i am in love. last resort just photoshop the hell out them before anyone posts them online!

JCH said...

Love these tips...need someone to be honest and tell me what my best angle is! HOLLA!

Mar5195 said...

Bravo! When you get married your wedding photographer usually lets you know what your best side is. I rock that side like my life depends on it.

Love the advice, my ass will always be in the middle. I'm a McNugget so I gotta work it with all the tall bitches!

Congrats on the thon'.

Juana said...

Absolutely brilliant!!

I was proud to be a student of Mr. Architect's on the Friday, May 9, 2008 edition of Diabolina's blog. Unfortunately, I fail to remember to execute more often than not and end up looking like a burrito.

Rock on, JeanBean!! Good for you!

Unknown said...

ummmm, this is hilarious AND informative! lol. I'm tweeting.

adeleno5 said...

I have fallen prey to the leaning in thing so many times, but NO MORE! Thank you.

WendyB said...

I've been trying to kick that "leaning in" habit.

Lynn Tran said...

Brilliant post - love it. WTG JeanBean!

lookrichbitch said...

Where was this post before our wedding pix??? I have mega double Chin. (I capitalized it because it's Chinese.)


Related Posts Widget for Blogs by LinkWithin