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Diabolina Does Deep Thoughts

Two little joints written last winter. Nice mirrors of each other. Nice encapsulations of so much still dancing in my head and my heart. Especially in dark moments when people and connections are getting me through the day.

Eyes Wide Open

There are moments when you gaze into people's eyes - into their very beings, their souls. Into the depths of their insecurities and their truths. Into their web of lies and their ugly beauty.

You look into a person's very own heart of darkness and you realize they don't have the faintest idea. They don't have the faintest idea who you are. And what you are. What you might need or what you could possibly want.

And you can't escape this. All that consumes you in this moment is that these eyes...well...they simply don't see you. It's literally staring you in the face.

So no matter what delusion you are under. No matter what your friendship looks like on paper or celluloid. Or what the years should mean or what you want them to mean. It's there. In their eyes.

These eyes, these people, they don't know you. They are nothing to you. Not really.

You owe them nothing and they owe you nothing. It's that simple.

You are both just stumbling in the dark. And just because you stumbled into each other doesn't make you anything more than blind…together…in the endless night.

They'll say things. Ask questions carelessly. Push buttons they don't even know are there. And you break their gaze. You have to.

You can't bear to look at them. Because you can't stand looking into their eyes and not seeing yourself reflected back, not seeing even the glimmer of understanding of who you might be. Like you once did.

And just like that the moment passes. And it gets swallowed up by the next. And it seems meaningless.

After all these moments are just that. Moments.

What does it matter if people attempt to provoke you, maybe even hurt you? When their eyes are so void of real understanding or true connection. It doesn't matter, does it? It's like the air we breathe – everything and nothing at the same time.

You realize these people...well they simply might not be yours. Not really. They may not be yours anymore than the strangers you pass on the street.

Can they be anything more than strangers? When they know nothing about what you've been through. What you're capable of. What haunts your dreams. What makes your soul ache, what makes you feel broken. What tears you apart, what makes you human.

It's not their fault. Or your fault. It just is.

And you walk away from these moments, feeling alone and raw in ways that feel new and good. Even if they are painful and difficult.

So at least you've got that.

You also walk away from these moments feeling alive. Somehow reborn. Perhaps because you walk away feeling like yourself - more than you have in a long time.

You walk away knowing that there are people in whose eyes you find home. Where you do see yourself reflected back.

There are people - maybe who haven't known you as long or perhaps who don't make sense on paper or who are thousands of miles away - but somehow they do see you. The real you.

The Spider Web

There are so many ways to connect
and to be connected to people.

To feel tied to them. Intertwined and entangled with them.
To feel delighted or confused or suffocated or enlightened by them.

To know them at their core.
Sometimes just for a moment and at others, for a lifetime.

To be able to see inside them.
And perhaps find yourself peering back.

To meet their demons face to face.
And help their hearts heal
Or maybe open up for the very first time.

To feel them – really feel them – in your blood.
Like they are a part of you, part of your heartbeat.

There are so many nuances, so many possibilities and probabilities,
when one soul dances with another,
when you play out your part in another's comedy or tragedy.

I am learning that there are people you will share moments with –
good or bad, painful or joyous, life-changing or trite.

Experiences will bond you, fuse you together into one.

And then you will come apart – or you won't.
I guess it will all depend on the experience and the connection
and the two souls dancing.

So I want to try. Try to let go . Try to be present. Try to be open.
In every moment. With every person.
Because, well, you never know...