Monday, August 17, 2009

The Scene
Spent most of the day metabolizing what happened yesterday. Feeling like: Wow, I finally did what?

I've been hoping all the turmoil of the last few months leads to some good writing. For a while, I've been feeling like - any moment now - the floodgates are going to open and I am going to write and write and write. So many feelings and moments and nuances still left to process, still left to document and let go of.

Keep waiting to hear the music in my head. To see the words dancing around up there. To be overwhelmed by them and have to get them out.

But so far: nothing.

So I read and reread the crazy and wonderful words below. Wrote them two years ago about that glorious moment when inspiration struck and I started writing again after nearly of decade. Hoping they might spark something in me again now.


So things finally made sense last night.

For the first time in years, I began writing. And for the first time in years, I made sense. There wasn't something broken. There wasn't something wrong with me. I wasn't scared. I stopped running from myself.

I stopped running from the beauty and the pain and the power inside me. And the minute I did, I felt right. I was me. For better or worse, I was me.

All in one night. It's hard to believe. It happening just like that. Can your life change in one moment? All in one seemingly ordinary moment…that wasn't. It was special and it was mine.

It felt right. Like I awoke from a deep sleep yet knew exactly where I was. I wasn't stumbling in the dark anymore. The clarity of things was blinding.

It felt like home – like sinking into the warmth of familiarity after traveling in foreign lands.

It felt like someone whispering into my soul. Maybe it was the ghosts that linger around me finally making themselves heard. Demanding I honor the potential inside me. Demanding I honor them.

It felt like a spark. It was electric. Is this what it feels like to be inspired? Was it inspiration? Could it feel any more clich├ęd?

I'm not sure what it was. But I know it was mine and it was magical and I will never forget it.

That moment when I heard the music in my head again. When I saw exactly what I wanted to write. I literally watched it dance in my head. What I wanted to say and how to say it and why it was meaningful to me and why it might matter to you, the person that would eventually read it and one day share this journey with me.

It felt like a force I couldn't control compelling me to spill my self onto the page. Not just words but my very self. It felt like bleeding onto the page.

I felt like something was moving through me. Something alien yet strangely familiar. The duality of it was striking. It was thrilling but in retrospect a bit frightening.

It felt as though it was predestined. Like I was supposed to arrive at this moment in precisely the way I did.

I find extraordinary comfort and solace in this. It's given me renewed faith in the order of things. And I know this is just the beginning. It's just the beginning to this story. The story of me. The story of me and you.The only story there is.

A new door has been opened. A chapter has closed. It happened on a Thursday night like any other. In one single moment when I stopped being afraid of what's inside me. Stopped squandering the gifts that define me.

I stopped pushing aside this thing inside me – drowning it in fear. I finally stopped when I realized it wasn't just "this thing inside me." It is me. I realized I couldn't kill it. I didn't want to. Because without it, I would be what died.

How is it possible? That all the crippling fear could peel away in an instant and reveal what I have been looking for all along?

It was right there inside me all along. It's been there. Patiently waiting for me to figure it out. It's undoubtedly smirked, cringed and outright wept for me throughout the years. It's been bemused and perturbed by my frantic search everywhere but the right place.

Silly girl, it's thought so many times.

I'm glad I found you now. Because by finding you I found me.

And I could really get used to this feeling. This feeling like me…


The Outfit
Barami dress
Forever 21 cardigan

The Accessories
Anthropologie necklace
Damier inspired bangle
Stella McCartney shoes
Louis Vuitton Damier Tote

The Grade

The Commentary

Dug out a little gray dress that I love but hardly wear anymore. When I bought it 7 years ago it was not this SKIN TIGHT. Sigh.

So today I added the long cardigan for a little bit of coverage.

Though tight gray dresses have been THE thing recently.

Probably Victoria's influence.

Here entire line is the definition of body conscious.

Love the retro shape and length for work.

Very naughty secretary.

Today I added the necklace for a little bit of pop.

Very excited statement necklaces will still be big this fall.

They are such a simple way to reinvent an old dress.

But no need to spend hundreds. Got mine for under $40.


Rachee said...

gorg - you and your writing. adore the outfit- it's bananas. :)

weezermonkey said...

You are brave for always writing and sharing your inner-most thoughts. I don't do that anymore. I feel too exposed.

Love the gray and yellow necklace.

Sable Crow said...

Delicious writing, dress, AND necklace!

HaveShoesWillTravel said...

I'm loving the grey dresses you posted. Too bad they're ALL out of my price range of free right now.

Jean Bean said...

I just got caught up. Really strong writing the past few days! I love when you get this personal. The fashion and the celebs are fine and good but really, all I want is Diabolina and more Diabolina.

tam pham said...

ditto exactly what weemo wrote.

Victoria said...

I have the same Anthro necklace! Great minds...

Milly said...

Love your necklace!

Kani said...

LOVE the necklace with that dress

amber said...

You look fab in that dress.

Thank you again for sharing your writing with us. {{hugs}}


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