Got home from the ER at 4 a.m. Tossed and turned for 4 hours and then started facing it all.
The day was a blur. Working from home, fielding calls from friends, doing research online, going to the doctor, dealing with insurance paperwork, battling the encroaching fear.
Ended the day with an enormous dinner at Fat Fish. It was my mom's first time and she loved it. I had a strong cocktail so I loved it.
Crying makes her head ache so we didn't cry today. Instead we joked and laughed. At one point, I told her a friend suggested she wear red, white and blue to the citizenship interview on Saturday. She scoffed at the idea with "Ni que fuera Uncle Sam." HAHAHAHH!
No matter what the circumstances, we are fucking hilarious. It's in the blood. It's how all our family in Guatemala is. It's how we all cope. After all, sometimes you just have to laugh or else you'll never stop crying.
Things felt normal today. Both of us knew they weren't but we're the queens of putting on a brave face for each other. It's what helped us get through my dad's death 15 years ago. It's our dynamic.
But there were moments both of us would get lost in thought. And get that haunted, faraway look. When you think thoughts of "what if" and "if only."
But we can only take things one day at a time. All of us. Whether we're dealing with a brain tumor or a job we hate or a relationship that's not working. Being present is the only way to truly live our lives.
Marc by Marc Jacobs top
Forever 21 sweater
J Brand jeans
Marc Jacobs Irina tote
Stuart Weitzman sandals
B to the usted grooming today. Hair was a rats nest. No makeup.
But the outfit was right on. Cozy sweater to deal with the meat locker that is every doctor's office. Big bag to carry water and paperwork and magazines. Flats and jeans to be comfortable. Gucci sunglasses to hide the sadness.
My mom wore a similar outfit. Jeans and a sweater and a big tote and gold shoes and Chanel sunnies. Loves it.
The most relaxing part of my day was vegging out on the couch and watching Project Runway with Mr. D. But I felt sooo guilty doing it. Felt guilty thinking about fashion and frivolity and lightness.
Realizing guilt is going to play an even bigger part in my life now. Ugh. Can't Catholicism ever cut you a break? F.
Going to try to manage it. Going to try to take care of myself. Have to stay balanced. For my mom and myself and Mr. D.
So back to tonight's episode of PR: Once again I agree wholeheartedly with the lovely Tam about this episode. Also think many of the patriotic looks would spell purrrfection for my mom's important date with immigration this weekend, no?
And here's one more little nugget. Remember when Tim pointed to a picture in the museum of a blonde Olympian doing the high jump in a fur bikini? And then he proclaimed "This is fashion!"
Well that is Amy Acuff. She was a close friend of Danny B's in college!!! She was pre-med. And a world class high jumper. And a model. And cool and articulate and funny. She is pretty much perfect.
And now that she has the distinction of Tim Gunn's approval, I think I might officially die of jealousy.
I got to know Amy well when Danny B and Mr. D lived together after undergrad. I even ended up doing a documentary about her for my graduate school thesis. I interviewed her and everyone close to her for weeks. It was an amazing opportunity to understand what it takes to compete athletically at the most elite levels.
It was a gift to cross paths with her. Especially since I am such a sloth. And so in my head.
I don't always appreciate how important it is to be physical. Caring for your body is clearly such a critical part of your mental well being. It's all so mysteriously but undeniably interrelated - the mind and body. Must remember that in the days ahead given my mom's condition.
Also hearted Amy because she was all about pushing the fashion envelope. Her outfits were always the talk of the town at important meets. She wanted to be different and stand out and shake things up. She wanted to show that a woman can excel and still care about how she looks. That she can be a fierce competitor and still look feminine. She also believed winning was as important as laughing, not taking life too seriously, having a sense of humor.
For example, this is what she donned for Mr. D's surprise 25th birthday party.
Think Tim would have had said "Holla at your girls" to that outfit fo sho ;)