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Diabolina Does Deep Thoughts

This is the first thing I wrote a few years ago after a decade-long hiatus from writing. Very appropriate given all the questions swirling around in my head and the outpouring of support from all of you.

When nothing makes sense, we should all cling to the knowledge that paths cross for a reason, that there IS method to all the madness :)

***

I am trying to understand life. And by trying I mean failing. Miserably.

I want to understand my existence and my purpose. The nature of my soul and my destiny. Why I am here and where I am going.

You know the usual ;)

Am I encouraged by those who seem to have figured out the puzzle? By the poets and the philosophers; the physicists and the saints. Those who seem to think they've arrived at some sort of answer. Some sort of insight.

Should I find inspiration in these individuals? Hope that it is possible to arrive at the end of my journey and find what I am seeking?

Perhaps in a way. But no, actually, not really. I mean who can truly grasp the nature of it all? Of human existence. Life in all its complexities and permutations. I doubt anyone can. I doubt it is even possible.

But yet here I am. Trying. And failing. Miserably.

I try because I have to. Not particularly because I want to. There is something inside me that reaches for this understanding. Something that's loud and getting louder.

And yet understanding – true understanding – eludes me. At every step.

I just seem to come up with more and more questions. With every moment and every wrinkle, comes a new question. I just want to understand so much.

Why do some of us bleed while others feast?
Why is there such textured beauty in pain, such haunting emptiness in joy?

Why those that are handed opportunity squander it.
Why those who work tirelessly still struggle.

Why I feel so much and others so little.

I wonder why we are destined to repeat the past.
Over and over and over.

Why does faith divide and hatred unite?

How can I feel so blessed and yet so broken?
Why do gifts feel like curses?

How can a stranger feel like my family?

I don't know. I simply don't know the answers.

Oh, on occasion I'll pretend. I'll pretend I have cracked some part of the code and I will hand a friend in need this faux wisdom. I hand it over with conviction and love and so they buy it. Because what's the alternative? It gives them solace and so it feeds me.

I don't know anything.

Well, except for one thing. I do know that we were meant to meet here. In this moment. As your eyes linger over the words I have poured out of my being.

We were destined to share this moment. No matter if these words bore you or fill you. We were supposed to cross paths.

And that may be part of my puzzle. You and I in this moment – that's what might make all the questions bearable.