The tears come less frequently now.
I should be thankful for that but I'm not.
They frighten me when they grip me so suddenly,
engulf my heart without warning, choke me
until I am left breathless, dazed, weak.
Just like that, I'm plunged back into the depths of a pain that I thought I'd survived. All of a sudden the past, present and future collide. And the pain becomes all I can remember, all I can feel, all I can imagine ever feeling.
I'm starting to realize that the pain has become a part of me, that it never left and never will. It recedes from time to time but it has become intertwined with my being. And I shouldn't be thankful for that but I am.
It means she remains with me,
she is a part of me,
we're still connected,
forever and always.
It was my grandmother's birthday this week. She would have been 82.
When I close my eyes, I can see her knowing smile
And I know a time will come when I'll smile back instead of cry.