Sunday, November 8, 2009

The Scene
Last day in Cancun. And wouldn't you know a tropical storm named Ida stopped by to say goodbye. What a bitch.

All week the folks at the Ritz had assured us that a tropical storm is not a hurricane. Um, ok, not so reassuring when you appear to be bracing all outdoor areas for more than just a passing rain storm. Gulp.

But they seemed to be right. This morning, there was no rain. And the wind was actually calmer than yesterday. There was only one thing that was different: the ocean. It was pissed and someone was going to pay. F.

My mom said she'd never seen water this ferocious. While I checked with the airline about our flight home, she was transfixed by the water, by the immensity of it all, by its undenial rage, by its spellbinding beauty.

Eventually we felt reassured enough that we tore ourselves away from the window and enjoyed a leisurely final breakfast.

Then we worked out and hit the spa. We even hit the pool and jaccuzzi. By that time, the winds had died down considerably but the ocean hadn't. My mom wanted to see it up close so we walked around outside.

Chatted up the lovely lifeguard. My mom asked him what seemed like every question she had ever had about the ocean. 60 years worth of questions. And when she had run out of questions, she shared with him how she's always avoided the ocean precisely because of its power, its unpredictability.

And yet today, she told us, she felt its overwhelming energy. She felt it in her bones. And, well, she liked what she felt. She felt emboldened by it. Empowered by it.

It made me so emotional. Hearing her say that. I instantly thought of the passage in Eat, Pray, Love when Liz has a dream she is on a beach with massive terrifying waves. Suddenly her guru's guru is there and he asks her sternly, pointing at the approaching waves, "I want you to figure out a way to stop that from happening."

Ever the writer, she picks up her notebook - a notebook!!!! - and tries sketching out inventions that would stop the ocean waves from advancing. Finally she gives up only to find the guru doubled over in laughter at her frantic flailling. He points out to the colossal, powerful, endless ocean, and says to her, "Tell me, dear one, how exactly you were planning on stoping that."

Today my mom in an instant realized she doesn't have to control something to enjoy it. She can appreciate the beauty in something incredibly terrifying. And that feeling the fear and processing it can often be the fastest way to eradicate it...if not forever, for now.

It took her 60 years but she did it. She unlocked one of the greatest secrets to living. Better than most people.

And just as the sun began to emerge (Tropical Ida having lost much of her steam over night) our plane took off and we headed home to L.A. Headed back to reality. Back to the beautiful people and not so beautiful problems of day to day life. Back to all there is: eating and praying and loving.

The Outfit
Forever 21 dress

The Accessories
Fashion District bangles
Marc Jacobs purse
Stuart Weitzman sandals

The Grade
A is for Awake and Alive

The Commentary
I've never spent so much of a vacation in work out clothes with a water bottle as my number one accessory. My ass has never needed it more than now too. Funny how life just has a way of taking care of you ;)

Also funny how purple does make one feel like royalty. Invaluable when you're schlepping your way through customs close to midnight after a long day of heavy life lessons.

The Addendum
So this seems like a fitting post to acknowledge that I have clearly fallen behind on the blog. Waaaay behind. Not sure how that happened.

At first I was anxious about it but then I remembered the blog has been my way of dealing with anxiety. It was never intended to be a source of anxiety.

For almost two years now, I've chronicled every single day of my life. It's been a writing exercise, something I needed to do for myself, to build discipline and commitment. It's become my primary creative outlet. It's morphed into an instantaneous way for me to connect and document and experiment. It's been the reason I wake up many mornings. Sad but true.

So I've let go of the guilt over falling behind, of letting myself down, of falling short of the goal I'd created for myself. Instead I've embraced this as an opportunity to reinvent the blog, my creativity and my commitment to expressing myself.

Not sure where the road ahead leads - blogging-wise and life-wise. I imagine it will be funny at times, heartbreaking at others. You can be assured it will be fashionable and fabulous if I have any say in the matter ;)

The only thing I know for certain is that I will be forever grateful to all of you who have read my words and shared this path with me. You have helped me find my voice. I'd been afraid I'd lost it forever.
You cannot imagine what it's all meant to me (AND my mom) to feel like my writing it touches hearts, might even influence how you see yourself or live your life.

So that's all a longwinded way of saying: I guess we'll just wait and see how the rest of all this unfolds, m'kay?


Nina said...

You shouldn't feel like you have to post everyday. It shouldn't be a chore to blog.

I also wanted to tell you that you have influenced me to take risks with my outfits. I've always been the matchy-matchy third grader fashion type who refused to wear anything that was not comfortable (i.e. heels). I've been experimenting with different colors and I've gotten so many complements. I also just bought my first pair of knee high heeled boots and I cannot wait to wear them.

Kyle said...

Come back soon! The world needs Diabolina in any form it can get it. . .

Fashion_Loving_Stylist said...

Hun don't worry about how you travel on this journey just remember to take it all in. We will read and take the journey with you no matter how frequently or infrequently you write about it.

Rachee said...

I’m a bit sad because I love your blog format, but I know whatever you do next will be fabulous! Thank you for inspiring me to embrace my inner fashionista, you’ve been a huge influence. I can’t wait to see how everything unfolds!

Adeleno5 said...

Your daily wit and fabulousness has been missed, but you do what you need to do for you. I hope you will stick around in some format because you do lighten up my boring work days with your irreverence and your fearless style : )

Jean Bean said...

I will miss the day-by-day, but do whatever you need to keep it interesting for yourself. Kisses.

JillFantastic said...

Like everyone else - the daily blogging will be missed, but don't ever let it burden you! A couple entries a week will still keep us interested :)

And I hope you do another Fashion District tour. I couldn't make the last one, but sure could you a wizard to guide me through the daunting downtown streets.

HazelnutPhotography said...

so thrilled to watch you unfold. adore you.

Tracee said...

you will be missed! best of luck in whatever the future holds. lots of positive thoughts for you and your mama!

fancypants said...

Do what you need to do, Diabolina. The world will be here when you are ready.

WendyB said...

I wish your mom's wisdom would rub off on me!

Jen said...

I know everyone else is being super supportive and saying it's all about you, whatever you want to do, but I'm just going to play the other side and say...what am I going to do without your daily pic and commentary!?! I love it! You are super gifted and have a beautiful way with words. So, whatever you decide to do, I know it will be great, but I'm going to be selfish and say please post somewhat frequently!! We need Diabolina!

Rate Your Hairdresser said...

Gorgeous pics as always. You ladies look like you're having a glorious time. I LOVED this post with all the beautiful purple dresses. One of my favourite colours indeed.

Shannon said...

i'm going to ride the train that ^jen^ started and be selfish for a sec - please, please don't go! i don't know what i'll do without your daily posts. wahhh!

on the other hand, your well being and happiness is paramount. i know you will find a way to express your inner voice, creativity, and fabulous-ness in a truly great way. good luck! xxoo

Sheila said...

Love all your posts, this one especially! Don't feel the need to post daily, do it whenever your heart desires :)

lookrichbitch said...

i miss you already...

this post was beautifully written and i wanted to let you know that everytime i read your blog, it makes be want to be a better writer.

love you!

Kanishka B said...

I'm so sad that you won't be blogging as frequently but I look forward to watching whatever path you take unfold. You have been an inspiration to me to the point where I actually think "what would Diabolina say" when I'm shopping.

I can't wait to see what fabulousness you come up with next!

amber said...

Talk about ending the vacation with a bang! Love the realization that your mommy had standing there at the ocean. So heartwarming. Kisses to you both.

Sable Crow said...

As I read this post, not knowing where it would lead, I thought: "This is some really good writing. I hope she does more like this." Then I began to wonder. "Is this goodbye?" And I was reminded of a search I did not too long ago to understand the root of "swan song". So says Wikipedia:

"The phrase "swan song" is a reference to an ancient belief that the Mute Swan (Cygnus olor) is completely mute during its lifetime until the moment just before it dies, when it sings one beautiful song."

In the Tarot, Death isn't death, but change and transformation--metamorphosis.

Your song has been two years long, and loved by all of us. It's been a boon of hope to those of us whose swans are Muted by our lives, and by our choices. You are an inspiration not only in your triumph, but in your struggle. Thank you.

And from Tennyson (as if he were writing about your heart):

The wild swan's death-hymn took the soul
Of that waste place with joy
Hidden in sorrow: at first to the ear
The warble was low, and full and clear; ...
But anon her awful jubilant voice,
With a music strange and manifold,
Flow’d forth on a carol free and bold;
As when a mighty people rejoice
With shawms, and with cymbals, and harps of gold...


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